Myths about love
1. Love @ first sight is the "true" love
2. First love is the "best" love
3. Love without lust is "sacred"!
The following are key points in male-female relationship.
1. X likes Y (Even if you are thinking in the context of chromosomes, no surprise since its not uncommon to see females making the first move. [I leave the 'space' between friendship and love to readers to fill up]
2. X says "I love you" to Y. Y may or may not agree.Lets assume Y agrees!
3. Parents and others may accept or reject the relationship.
4. X ends up marrying Y (against all odds or blessings from all). Not marrying the one whom you love is not "love failure"! Marrying the lover is like a job half-done.
5. Wedding is over, but marital life? From silent suffering to stormy separation, marriage offers all sorts of feelings for both!
6. Success or failure (of marriage & love) depends upon whether one feels happy or not before the final curtain falls. Having a "caring and sharing" spouse and leading a happy life in spite of multitude of problems including differences of opinion is the true success. But this is a process,I agree & that's my point!
Love is one of hot topics discussed as well as barred to be discussed in our society from layman to an expert like me. It has several meanings and there are different, often multiple words for it in different languages. Even in English, the word carries more than one meaning. Hence, it is important to understand what does love means. To put it simple, it denotes sexual relationship between any two individuals in a narrow sense. In its broader sense, it means the intimate feeling one has for himself/herself as well as for anything around him/her. In the concrete sense, love means the bond that connects any two living beings. In the abstract sense, it is the eternal force which binds things together, like gravity.
So, it is a vague term and having multiple synonyms and meanings. As far as concerning this essay, I would like to restrict myself with the relationship between a male and a female who form life partners or at least think to do so at least in imagination. Thereby I exclude the bond between father-daughter, mother-son etc! It is a reductionist view to say that any relationship between a male and a female tends to end in sex. Unfortunately, even many psychiatrists especially popular through media talk like that which is neither true nor sensible.
Considering the relationship per se, I would like to divide it into following categories based on things like duration, nearness (closeness!), depth of bond (mind level) etc.
1. Short lasting, superficial interaction like what happens in most of the journeys.
2. Short lasting, intermediate level interaction as happens like a lucky chance in a journey.
3. Short lasting, deep as in the case of mutual consent coitus (rare in Indian middle class, rather prostitution would a fine example) in a park or hotel room!
4. Intermediate period ( I mean, few weeks to months), superficial like with most of the classmates
5. Intermediate period, intermediate level interaction – vividly described as infatuation.
6. Intermediate period, deep level as shown in films, where a pair does everything in the name of friends in workplace, college or even at school!
7. Long term, superficial – considered as a rare phenomenon, but after seeing lot of couples in my experience, I doubt its rarity! More account will be given in next sections.
8. Long term, intermediate level- which is the common way of life for majority of the families in India.
9. Long term, deep level which is the ideal as opposed to the real as mentioned above.
Like the death instinct, love also has a range. Imagination plays a vital part (in contrast, the death instinct’s fantasy component is less) and it will be described in detail coming sections. In real life, it has the following range which gives one the pleasure or even ecstasy –
1. Seeing / watching / observing
2. Hearing / listening / or reading the letter or sms!
3. Talking (the content of the conversation is also equally important)
4. Touching (again, it ranges from a breeze like contact with shawl of the favorite girl to the intentional scratch)
5. Sex (of course, I include foreplay, play and after -play –all in this basket)
Usually, one falls in love and undergoes the steps as written in the range of love. One may end up in step one itself or may proceed further. Many times, and more importantly many people (not only young but also elder people) think that the aim of love is to achieve the last step, i.e., sex [either before or after marriage!]. I just get reminded by my friend’s words- he told the rate of extra-marital affairs has come down when compared to earlier, on the other hand, the rate of pre-marital affair has increased dramatically, quoting a study. The result shows that we did not become "good" people, rather, before marriage many live like Krishna and after marriage like Rama. many girls accept such behavior of men and moreover, they too do the same! The point is many of us fail to appreciate the nuances of such small but significant pleasure involved in each step. I have seen a lot of men who bar their wife from speaking to other men, may be they equate conversation with coitus! Islam goes further, preventing the step one itself! Note the steps are numbered for the sake of discussion, not as a linear line.
True love stands up on the pillars of depth and duration! (Corollary: Not by laterality and status or money). If I love a girl, I just propose to her. If she accepts, let me date with her. If I find that I (and she, along with our parents) will not regret in future, I marry her. If she does not accept my proposal (as done by almost all girls at the outset), I try to make her to understand who I am. Even if she is not satisfied, I will leave her, praying for better life (and thanking God for escaping from a dumb one!). I will not scold her, I will not hurt her, I will not hit her, I will not throw acid on her face,I will not kill her- If I do, then I am not loving her. It is sheer lust. Like fundamentalism (esp.religion), this kind of acts need punishment (capital at times)! Love does not consist of gazing at each other; but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Love is the union of two minds. Sex is the union of two bodies. Marriage is the union of two families. When there is union, it should be mutual. If it is brutal its not an union, just an elimination of the other party. Love (I mean "like" on any person,object or an issue, not necessarily opposite gender!) comes --- naturally for some! with an awareness of the "qualia" (of the person/object/issue) for some!! with persuasion either directly or indirectly for some!
Physical relationship (from whatever side might be the initiation) has anyone or many of the following purposes. First let me list what I know, and readers can add more.
1. Way for procreation
2. Way for recreation and fulfillment of fantasies
3. Way of earning money
4. Way of ensuring security
5. Way to show the dominance and authority
6. Way to express revenge
7. Way to manipulate the other person and/or those related
8. Way to quench the thirst of inner and innate impulse
9. Way of expressing one’s love and affection with the other person
Like the "primary vs secondary" issues I posted earlier, the primary aim of intercourse is procreation. It is not surprising when we understand the basic aim of life - to live –this is achieved by sustaining one’s life as long as possible and making subsequent copies of self via sex. Since all living beings wish to live not only for a longer period but also in a comfortable way, it is easy to understand that coitus should be pleasurable, else survival of species at stake!
Throughout evolution and most importantly civilization, recreation becomes more important than procreation. In such case, all the fantasies at work which, if combined with luxury it has no ends. Many pseudo-intellectuals argue that this "beyond-the-limits" fantasy is the root cause of polygamy and LGBT, which is not true if one carefully look at the nature where such things were there in wildlife too. Vivid example of gay is dolphins. Further related issues are dealt elsewhere.
Sex has been noted even in primates as a demanding one, of course from the males, which must to bring food for females for the deal. It has extended in human life also, making it one of oldest and profitable profession. Even though both get pleasure, it is still un-understandable why men pay for women, leave the growing number dildos!
Like in animals, where females allow males to have sex for security for their own, in human beings also it is there albeit in the name of marriage!
(Usually) males, mostly from upper caste Hindus or from other religion (I am not saying this was in dynasty era, but still seen!), use intercourse by hook or crook, to show the dominance of their caste and religion. Love jihad is worth to note here. At the basic level too, it is a powerful weapon used against males especially chauvinistic ones!
(Usually) females use this same weapon to take revenge, mostly sleeping with other person or with the spouse/lover! The second phrase is difficult to comprehend unless you have either experienced or witnessed.
Sex, especially in the disguised mask of love and promise, is notorious method used in cheating and manipulating. This happens on both sides. There are number of real stories where men stalk women, beg them, and wash their hands off once finished aim! There are instances where women trap men and threaten them to marry (I know many doctors who fell in the trap laid by .....!) or to give money (search for such scandals if you are interested!).
As Sigmund Freud says, mind has two opposite forces at the elemental level called "id", one is "eros" and the other one is "thanatos". In my view, both are twin faces of a single coin, and as a matter of fact the impulses come like waves in ocean, sometimes as big as a tsunami, when the urge is uncontrollable. It takes whatever path available, of course self-satisfaction via imagination or internet, I leave!
The aim of giving pleasure to those one love and satisfying the need of the partner in an aesthetic manner is the purview of Lord Krishna and Vatsyayana, and I have nothing more to say!
1. Love @ first sight is the "true" love
2. First love is the "best" love
3. Love without lust is "sacred"!
The following are key points in male-female relationship.
1. X likes Y (Even if you are thinking in the context of chromosomes, no surprise since its not uncommon to see females making the first move. [I leave the 'space' between friendship and love to readers to fill up]
2. X says "I love you" to Y. Y may or may not agree.Lets assume Y agrees!
3. Parents and others may accept or reject the relationship.
4. X ends up marrying Y (against all odds or blessings from all). Not marrying the one whom you love is not "love failure"! Marrying the lover is like a job half-done.
5. Wedding is over, but marital life? From silent suffering to stormy separation, marriage offers all sorts of feelings for both!
6. Success or failure (of marriage & love) depends upon whether one feels happy or not before the final curtain falls. Having a "caring and sharing" spouse and leading a happy life in spite of multitude of problems including differences of opinion is the true success. But this is a process,I agree & that's my point!
Love is one of hot topics discussed as well as barred to be discussed in our society from layman to an expert like me. It has several meanings and there are different, often multiple words for it in different languages. Even in English, the word carries more than one meaning. Hence, it is important to understand what does love means. To put it simple, it denotes sexual relationship between any two individuals in a narrow sense. In its broader sense, it means the intimate feeling one has for himself/herself as well as for anything around him/her. In the concrete sense, love means the bond that connects any two living beings. In the abstract sense, it is the eternal force which binds things together, like gravity.
So, it is a vague term and having multiple synonyms and meanings. As far as concerning this essay, I would like to restrict myself with the relationship between a male and a female who form life partners or at least think to do so at least in imagination. Thereby I exclude the bond between father-daughter, mother-son etc! It is a reductionist view to say that any relationship between a male and a female tends to end in sex. Unfortunately, even many psychiatrists especially popular through media talk like that which is neither true nor sensible.
Considering the relationship per se, I would like to divide it into following categories based on things like duration, nearness (closeness!), depth of bond (mind level) etc.
1. Short lasting, superficial interaction like what happens in most of the journeys.
2. Short lasting, intermediate level interaction as happens like a lucky chance in a journey.
3. Short lasting, deep as in the case of mutual consent coitus (rare in Indian middle class, rather prostitution would a fine example) in a park or hotel room!
4. Intermediate period ( I mean, few weeks to months), superficial like with most of the classmates
5. Intermediate period, intermediate level interaction – vividly described as infatuation.
6. Intermediate period, deep level as shown in films, where a pair does everything in the name of friends in workplace, college or even at school!
7. Long term, superficial – considered as a rare phenomenon, but after seeing lot of couples in my experience, I doubt its rarity! More account will be given in next sections.
8. Long term, intermediate level- which is the common way of life for majority of the families in India.
9. Long term, deep level which is the ideal as opposed to the real as mentioned above.
Like the death instinct, love also has a range. Imagination plays a vital part (in contrast, the death instinct’s fantasy component is less) and it will be described in detail coming sections. In real life, it has the following range which gives one the pleasure or even ecstasy –
1. Seeing / watching / observing
2. Hearing / listening / or reading the letter or sms!
3. Talking (the content of the conversation is also equally important)
4. Touching (again, it ranges from a breeze like contact with shawl of the favorite girl to the intentional scratch)
5. Sex (of course, I include foreplay, play and after -play –all in this basket)
Usually, one falls in love and undergoes the steps as written in the range of love. One may end up in step one itself or may proceed further. Many times, and more importantly many people (not only young but also elder people) think that the aim of love is to achieve the last step, i.e., sex [either before or after marriage!]. I just get reminded by my friend’s words- he told the rate of extra-marital affairs has come down when compared to earlier, on the other hand, the rate of pre-marital affair has increased dramatically, quoting a study. The result shows that we did not become "good" people, rather, before marriage many live like Krishna and after marriage like Rama. many girls accept such behavior of men and moreover, they too do the same! The point is many of us fail to appreciate the nuances of such small but significant pleasure involved in each step. I have seen a lot of men who bar their wife from speaking to other men, may be they equate conversation with coitus! Islam goes further, preventing the step one itself! Note the steps are numbered for the sake of discussion, not as a linear line.
True love stands up on the pillars of depth and duration! (Corollary: Not by laterality and status or money). If I love a girl, I just propose to her. If she accepts, let me date with her. If I find that I (and she, along with our parents) will not regret in future, I marry her. If she does not accept my proposal (as done by almost all girls at the outset), I try to make her to understand who I am. Even if she is not satisfied, I will leave her, praying for better life (and thanking God for escaping from a dumb one!). I will not scold her, I will not hurt her, I will not hit her, I will not throw acid on her face,I will not kill her- If I do, then I am not loving her. It is sheer lust. Like fundamentalism (esp.religion), this kind of acts need punishment (capital at times)! Love does not consist of gazing at each other; but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Love is the union of two minds. Sex is the union of two bodies. Marriage is the union of two families. When there is union, it should be mutual. If it is brutal its not an union, just an elimination of the other party. Love (I mean "like" on any person,object or an issue, not necessarily opposite gender!) comes --- naturally for some! with an awareness of the "qualia" (of the person/object/issue) for some!! with persuasion either directly or indirectly for some!
Physical relationship (from whatever side might be the initiation) has anyone or many of the following purposes. First let me list what I know, and readers can add more.
1. Way for procreation
2. Way for recreation and fulfillment of fantasies
3. Way of earning money
4. Way of ensuring security
5. Way to show the dominance and authority
6. Way to express revenge
7. Way to manipulate the other person and/or those related
8. Way to quench the thirst of inner and innate impulse
9. Way of expressing one’s love and affection with the other person
Like the "primary vs secondary" issues I posted earlier, the primary aim of intercourse is procreation. It is not surprising when we understand the basic aim of life - to live –this is achieved by sustaining one’s life as long as possible and making subsequent copies of self via sex. Since all living beings wish to live not only for a longer period but also in a comfortable way, it is easy to understand that coitus should be pleasurable, else survival of species at stake!
Throughout evolution and most importantly civilization, recreation becomes more important than procreation. In such case, all the fantasies at work which, if combined with luxury it has no ends. Many pseudo-intellectuals argue that this "beyond-the-limits" fantasy is the root cause of polygamy and LGBT, which is not true if one carefully look at the nature where such things were there in wildlife too. Vivid example of gay is dolphins. Further related issues are dealt elsewhere.
Sex has been noted even in primates as a demanding one, of course from the males, which must to bring food for females for the deal. It has extended in human life also, making it one of oldest and profitable profession. Even though both get pleasure, it is still un-understandable why men pay for women, leave the growing number dildos!
Like in animals, where females allow males to have sex for security for their own, in human beings also it is there albeit in the name of marriage!
(Usually) males, mostly from upper caste Hindus or from other religion (I am not saying this was in dynasty era, but still seen!), use intercourse by hook or crook, to show the dominance of their caste and religion. Love jihad is worth to note here. At the basic level too, it is a powerful weapon used against males especially chauvinistic ones!
(Usually) females use this same weapon to take revenge, mostly sleeping with other person or with the spouse/lover! The second phrase is difficult to comprehend unless you have either experienced or witnessed.
Sex, especially in the disguised mask of love and promise, is notorious method used in cheating and manipulating. This happens on both sides. There are number of real stories where men stalk women, beg them, and wash their hands off once finished aim! There are instances where women trap men and threaten them to marry (I know many doctors who fell in the trap laid by .....!) or to give money (search for such scandals if you are interested!).
As Sigmund Freud says, mind has two opposite forces at the elemental level called "id", one is "eros" and the other one is "thanatos". In my view, both are twin faces of a single coin, and as a matter of fact the impulses come like waves in ocean, sometimes as big as a tsunami, when the urge is uncontrollable. It takes whatever path available, of course self-satisfaction via imagination or internet, I leave!
The aim of giving pleasure to those one love and satisfying the need of the partner in an aesthetic manner is the purview of Lord Krishna and Vatsyayana, and I have nothing more to say!